sabbatical is over

i went offline for almost 6 months.
almost half a year without youtube, netflix, reddit.
after 11 solid years and probably a million posts, likes, loves, i did not con or pa-trol the facebook.

i did not write, except by hand.
i drew, i made a solar system mobile to hang over a crib, i scribbled housing and plumbing ideas, and prayed and breathed and on december 22, i took mushrooms and for a brief moment of absolute respite, i left...
...when i came back, i gardened.

i chopped ivy and weed and cleared parasitic growth from old trees and hillside.
i manicured the ground, carving curves for future planting, peanut and new trees: tamarind, guanabana, jocote, cás, nightshade, orange, lemon, field oak.
i sat with the dirt.
we cried and laughed together.
and when we were done, we felt lighter, ready for new growth.

six months have gone by:
august 11, i had gone to orosi, to ask the big river that flows to the atlantic, what to do.
it splashed by "be bossy".
then my computer, signaling the presence of dead ants and a singular drop of water, quit, on september 11.
on
october 11 i sold a car.
november 11 i took the nationalization exam for costa rica. i passed by 1 point.
december 11 i held space for the dead, for my stepfather, for my best friend, alone.
january 11 a girl named for a tree started her journey from womb to world.
february 11 i bemoaned not being online, online.

but today, yesterday, all week since monday, i have not asked once, for anything.
and not once did i wonder who i could ask, who i could not ask, for help.
being online is a kind of power that isn't really power.
most of "my" people are still, actually shit.

i never had an instagram or a tinder so i made the facebook both.
all men are most of my people. they all say i need a partner to complete me.
so i scrolled through photos of all men behind their steering wheels, seated in their cars, and of rogue men without car all around them; the first look like all men, the other look like me.

then i mused an old colega, a pinche publicista. built like a crane, this long fellow was the full entourage, an all inclusive comuna builder for talento tiquicia.
he asked me to dive deep.
i agreed.

the present is preparation, this blog entry is roots up and head down.
i ask, if anyone real read this, to imagine i have every seed i need to keep all forest fresh, forever.
i need to heal this holy land.