well

maybe i do not want to be on socials anymore. using technology to simulate living sort of hinders life itself.  my brain has to work too hard to fill in the structures with content and the format is too fleeting for meaningful cognition. it's all pornography really. 

caroline died in april, 22 days after i payed her the last visit in hospital. i was the last person she saw, the only person who knew she was dying. it was good friday. i had a bottle of rose oil in my bag. i made a blessing of the cross on her brow. i gave the head nurse and the orderly my gmail address, my facebook handle, but since i had no phone number and i was not related, they informed i would not be contacted. 

fine. kubrik's silent black minilith had more sway than christian rite of passage. i was fond of caroline. she loved beer and the blues. i loved the grit and independence she carried in her stature. even though she had no neighbors, she wore makeup around the house, for herself. my family had made me homeless for years, hers was the last couch i slept on and the only real person i've talked to about apostasy and the living jesus. 

service for the single woman is, at best, performative. the lonely really can only love the lonelier. jesus worked through caroline to get me to read the bible and to pray in his name. so while the jews use technology to persuade people like me, yet again, that they are good, better even than jesus, i am the real criminal for calling their endless murder of palestinians, evil, and their stupid crypto, worthless.

 it's gonna be another christmas alone on an estate that i'm not allowed to garden, reading about the wonders built with money i am not allowed to have, by people i'm not allowed to talk to. 

it is what it is.